Kitty Insomnia

What is happiness?
I think I've lost the meaning of it. Seriously.
I can't really remember when was the last time I felt really happy for a period of time.

Usually now, I can still smile, laugh and having heart attack due to excessive cuteness overload from my darling but other than that......it's close to none.

I realized I wasn't how I used to be. The bliss isn't there anymore. Like those days when I'll laugh at the slightest silliness or watching dumb cartoons like Sin Chan.

Now, all I have is a blank stare. Nothing really sparkles.

Put my darling aside. The fact that he can't always be here next to me 24/7 therefore, you don't expect me to laugh all the time.


Good example: when I'm graduating......I notice I wasn't happy as how I should be. It aches to see people around me feel damn excited & happy when I don't. As if I was a robot to begin with.


I keep on thinking why oh why. Maybe God has taken away my feeling of happiness.


I feel like an empty shell. I'm no longer whole. When HE took away the people I love, I lost a few parts of myself. Healing is a proses I can never get over with.



I try to laugh as honest as possible when I'm having fun with my friends for outings but it seems so hard to do. I don't mean to be rude. I am having a great time with you guys but......it's just that I can't feel whole. Dammit, this is hard to explain. This feeling of being lost. It's damn confusing. urgh!!!



What do you see when you look into an empty shell? Do you still see me? I want to see true happiness in myself badly that I can just cry a river.
No matter how hard I try to laugh, deep inside I feel insanely empty. There are times when I just think, "What the hell am I doing here? What the hell am I doing?"

Ignorance is bliss. True? No?


When I was a child, everything seems to be simple and joyful. Very much so.
I miss those days when worries was the last thing on my mind. Growing up seems to be so far away.
Even now when I try to block realities that I'm 24 this year.......things get pretty messed up.



There are days when I just woke up, look outside my window and the weather is fine.......I have the urge to just walk. Walk and keep on walking while wondering through my empty mind. I'll walk on till I finally feel tired and realized I was far far away from home. I'll walk till my legs are sore and senses came knocking in my head. I'll walk and walk till I've reached my limit. I'll walk aimlessly looking at how other people live their life and wonder if I can do the same. I'll walk for meters away trying to figure out my life. I'll keep on walking till I found you at the end of the road. I'll imagine you'll take my hand and walk with me so that I won't be alone.







p/s: i cry and laugh for you. what else is there left to do?