Hello blog.
It's been a while.
Sorry for abandoning you for weeks....or months.
Been busy, with pretty much of everything.
From coping up with gradsingapore publication, Health & Sciences, M100.... to coping up my feelings for you.
It's tiring.....damn tiring.
Mentality and physically.
Thus, I'm sick....for almost a week now.
You should hear my sexay voice.
So drag queen like. pfft!
Lilian told me I look like shit at the office.
Yes, thanks babe for the compliment.
Honest much.
I know I look like crap....
Yes Phoebe, I look pale.
The fact that I'm anemic adds up the dramatic effect of me being more than just a vampire kannn?!
I realised something.
It's better to stand on your own two feet than to actually lean on someone.
Because that person will always let you down by the end of the day.
It's expected actually.
Nonetheless, I know in time of need I do can rely on certain people to actually be there for me.
Namely Jaryd.
He's been there for me through thick and thin.
I still remember how he used to call me on late nights and we talked for hours after my dad passed away.
Even when I can't really talked due to asthma, he patiently waited at the end of the line, asking me to hang up and sleep.
Knowing how stubborn I can be, refusing to hang up....we talked and talked till we're both are tired.
But he never gets tired of accompanying me and being there for me.
Speaking of true friendship. =)
Just the other day as I went shopping in MidValley, I accidentally bumped into him and his gf at Coffee Bean as I'm grabbing my favourite Red Velvet Cocoa.
The last time I saw him was at Paradox Cafe after he invited me to his performance.
We managed to catch up on things....and he asked me how's life and the usual when I spit it out on how I'm having trouble sleeping for weeks.
He gave me that look and told me why I didn't call him....
Hah....my dear, I did call you. Just that you were too busy to pick up my calls.
But it's alright.
There are things that's been bothering me and my mind of cause till the extend of insomnia.
We said our goodbyes as he left with his gf.
Went home, changed, lying on my bed looking at the laptop when....Jaryd called.
He asked if I'm about to sleep.
No....can't sleep.
Brain still working actively for some reason even though my legs and body are damn tired.
The reason he called is to check on me, to see if I'm fine.
Haha you only saw me like half an hour ago and now you wanted to come over and check on me...???
Yes, that's Jaryd.
Even when I told him I was fine.....he refused to believe it.
The effect of knowing me far too long. (which can be dangerous too)
So he came over....at half past midnight and we sat at the living room....talked for hours.
He's like my shrink at times. LOL
Always been I guess.
Without noticing the time we talked till 5am!
Unbelievable indeed!
I can see that he's tired.....but insisting on talking to me since I can't sleep.
At that point I realised how lucky I am to have him as a friend.
Come on!
Who would drive all the way from Subang to Seri Kembangan after midnight just to check on you and accompany you through the morning....listening to you rambling about how fucked up your life can be while you wash the dishes, clean up the kitchen and still ramble till 5am...???!!!
Now, that's a true friend. =)
Btw, he's MINE!!! hahahahahaha
p/s: you told me you've always have a soft spot for me, unknowingly why. I told you ILY. =)
Like a piece of paper,
I'm disposable.
Like a can of soda,
I'm disposable.
Like a weed by the pond,
I'm disposable.
Disposable....am I?
I recently pledged as an organ donor via online.
I felt damn good about it...my long lasting dream, one of.
Never felt better....for once in my life, I feel useful.
Despite the fact that mum or anyone else told me how useless I can be at times.
Despite the fact that I can never do anything right.
Despite the fact that I'm just being me....
It's an achievement....to actually being able to help someone else in need just by donating your organs when you're dead.
It's not like I'll be needing it anyway after that.
What a waste.....seeing those healthy (yes, I am healthy ok) organs just rot six feet under.
Someone might see through my cornea,
Someone might breathe through my lungs or heart valve,
Someone might run and sweat through my liver and bones.
But that won't be happening anytime soon....
As mum strongly, and I mean damn strong against me being a useful and unselfish person for once in my life.
Why...?!
For God's sake...I'm trying to be a kind human being here and the least you could do is support me, not patronizing me!
I feel sad for you....for not looking at the same page as where I am now.
You told me you feel sad if one day I'll ever be dead......they will cut me up and auction my organs away.
Dear mum,
What you see now.....it's just a body. When I'm gone, I won't be needing any of it. So will you.
So, from the bottom of my heart or any of my living organs, I want to donate it.
Can you see that??? Can you???!!! I guess not.
You're more concern on how I'll look like when I'm dead than those people out there who's suffering without an actually healthy organ to live by.
That's sad....really sad. What has the world turn into....
More selfish people rule the earth.....more people die while you idiots watch.
Why can't we help them while we can?
I seriously don't understand....sick minds.
*le sigh*
Then again no fret. I'll pledge again when you're gone, mum.
In that way you can't say anything to me being an organ donor.
Ahhhh......
Sincerely,
Your one and only selfish daughter.
=)
Last night, I called just to hear your voice....
I miss those sweet voice,
Serenading to me.....as I fall asleep.
Last night, I cried...
While hearing you sing your songs....
Those heavenly music pierce through my heart.
It hurts....
To know that you can never be my lullaby.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Well, I know the feeling,
Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge,
And there ain't no healing,
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge,
I'm telling you that, it's never that bad,
Take it from someone who's been where you're at,
Laid out on the floor,
And you're not sure you can take this anymore,
So just give it one more try to a lullaby,
And turn this up on the radio,
If you can hear me now,
I'm reaching out,
To let you know that you're not alone,
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell,
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone,
So just close your eyes,
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby,
Your very own lullaby,
Please let me take you,
Out of the darkness and into the light,
'Cause I have faith in you,
That you're gonna make it through another night,
Stop thinking about the easy way out,
There's no need to go and blow the candle out,
Because you're not done,
You're far too young,
And the best is yet to come,
Well, everybody's hit the bottom,
Everybody's been forgotten,
When everybody's tired of being alone,
Yeah, everybody's been abandoned,
And left a little empty handed,
So if you're out there barely hanging on...
p/s: oh baby, if only you could be my lullaby.
What does it feel like to see a huge hole right in front of you and INSISTS on walking straight into it?
Yes....you damn well know that you'll fall.
Of course you can't help but to fall and probably broke a few bones or heart while you're at it...
Because....
You've must be blind.
le sigh
That's what I thought....
More like....that's what I felt last night.
Walking and falling into that hole wasn't fun at all.
Geez!
You told me it's going to be fun....
Hell no...no joy ride here.
Never really like roller coaster anyway.
Sick to my stomach.
You fall, you pick yourself up and walk away....
As if it was that easy kannn...?!
Well, nothing that a huge tub of Macadamia Haagen Daz can't fix.
Actually, mine to blame.
Saw it coming.....but couldn't help it.
Sounds stupid, but that's the fact.
Sometimes you just gotta admit how much of an idiot you can be at any point of your life.
This is it for me....
Ughh!
Hah....but seriously,
What the hell was I thinking....
Sitting there....staring at you while you sleep on my lap.
Thinking that you'll probably be mine...someday.
LOL
Oh com'n....
Told you that daydreaming will kill you one day....
Too stubborn to listen right?!
So, this is what you get then....
Bite that fingers of yours....
Till it bleed....
Cause you know you won't feel that throbbing pain....
Till you learn how to let go.
p/s: silence is deafening.
There I go....done it again.
Without realising it....I've hurt you, for the second time.
You've probably notice by now...the other side of me.
Yes....'she's indeed different.
Total opposite of me.
No matter how much I hate being 'her' at certain times...
I can't just kill her let alone ignore her existence inside of me.
Yes, 'she' can be bitchy, cold and rude.
Basically she's just heartless. Ice cold.
Point blank hatred.....dark & emotionally retarded.
I'm trying to understand her.
But it seems impossible.
There's a reason why I locked her up in this blog.
If she were to let loose....
Life would be difficult.
Life might be easy by her way...
Since ignorance is bliss.
No one actually acknowledge her existence.
Except you...for the first time....
Someone actually sees her!
People might come across her once in awhile....
But that's just about it.
No one actually tries calling out her name,
Ask who is she,what she wants and why is she here.
She was left in the corner....
Trying to erase all those memories....
Of what's left inside of her.
p/s: it's hard for you to actually pick either one of us when it's clear all you ever wanted is only one side of me.
There are thousands of possibilities out there for us....
In any form possible.
To which we might care....or might not notice.
You, on the other hand....has the possibility to be stuck with me. Or not.
Am I being over confident...?
Probably....or maybe.
The picture of us being together.....is still vague.
I wouldn't know.....
Is there even a slightest possibility?
Ahhh....so farfetched!
Let's not go there.
Just move along, go with the flow and see where we might end up.
Sounds adventurous?
Usually, this is not me.
I prefer to play it safe.
Then again it's high time to break all the rules and enjoy.
After all, you only get to live once.
You, my dear......are far beyond reach.
Well, that's what I thought initially.
A person like you.....with a person like me...
More likely to end up crash and burn, rock star style!
LOL
Remembering the times when you sang those songs at the cafe.
I see you....the real you.
Glowing with pleasure and excitement.
It's like you're in your own world.
Filled with music and passion.
I admire that.....I truly do.
I wish time could stop....at that moment itself.
Wouldn't want to let go.
On the other note,
I'll try my best to understand you better....
But please do give me some time.
As you're different from the rest.
Yes....I might be slow at times.
Bear with me, ok?
p/s: I wish I can drown into this madness with you.....right here, right now. If only.....
It's been a while dear blog.
Thousand apologies.
haven't been much of a writer myself these few months....hence hiatus mode.
Now, where do I start?
Last week? Last Monday...?
Everything seems fast....the progression of our relationship has come this far.
Within less than a week.
I must say....I was impressed at first but then I'm scared.
Why?
The fact that where we are right now.....this state....
You remind me of myself....
Back in the days.
Where I used to be in charge.
But now that you're here with me....
You took my role.
I didn't know where I stand anymore.
Should I be me?
Or should I be someone that I used to know...?
Someone who's trying so hard to please the other...
I should have not play this game in the first place.
It'll eat me....I know it will.
Then again it's now or never right.
You only get to live once.
I hope that this time....
It won't hurt that bad....
Shattered heart can't be whole any longer.
Not with someone like you.
The one I know that will crush me.
With pure sweetness words.
Faith is all I ever have.
Please don't fail me now.
p/s: I know I'm doomed when I start to miss you....
Why is it has to be this hard?
Everything....
Can it be more simpler and less complicated?
Everything seems hard when it's complicated.
Listening to my own voice is an empty room is hard,
Looking at the same ceiling for hours is hard,
Eating alone is hard,
Reminiscing old times is hard...
If only things would be a little bit simpler.
Less complicated...
Then life would be a little bit better.
Making a cup of coffee is complicated.
Reading a book is complicated.
Meeting new people is complicated.
The process of making a cup of coffee is complicated.
The beans need to be roasted to perfection, ground and enjoyed.
Why can't you just put a bean in your cup and pour hot water on it?
It's complicated.
When you read a book, you can't help but to feel the emotions of everything that is written in each page.
Every word means something to you and in a good book, once you've read it....it's hard to let go.
You can't sleep, eat or do any chores till you know the ending.
It's complicated.
When you meet someone new, you think twice or probably more....before showing them your true colours.
You might have a second thought on how to behave, what they might think of you, what will they say and feel.
But most commonly, you're afraid that someday....just that one day you might fall for them.
It's complicated.
p/s: a little less conversation, a little more action.
That one thing that hurts you the most...
It hurts when you miss someone who is already gone.
You keep on missing and hoping that they'll come around for you.
Well, not anymore....
It's over.
Everybody leaves....
One way or the other.
All I wanted is not to get hurt, be hurt or hurt anyone else.
Sometimes it's hard.
To be contented.
It's hard to let people down.
It's hard to ignore your feelings towards somebody you knew.
It's hard to cry in public.
It's hard to eat alone.
It's hard to look them in the eyes and tell them 'I'm fine'.
It's hard to be yourself.
It's hard to pretend.
To be happy when you're not.
To cry out loud.
To bear it all.
It's just hard...
p/s: sometimes I forget how to breathe, smile and wonder.
The ray of sunlight has just find it's way to me,
Perhaps....oh just perhaps,
This time....things will change.
How can this be true?
How can this be right?
Or was it just a dream?
My eyes are wide open,
My soul stays intact,
My mind never flew.
It was you....
Oh yes perhaps you,
Has changed everything.
Dark clouds stays forever,
Deep inside my brain,
Which no rainbow appears.
Looking back inside this thick brick box,
All I could ever find was darkness,
Flooding it's way through thee heart.
Oh can this be cured?
Can this be mend?
Of broken heart & broken bones.
Let this be a start,
Of something old,
Bringing me back to life.
p/s: thank you for not making fun of me when everyone else did. =)
Well, it's been a while.
Been hiding from writing for quite some time now.....
Didn't really have the urge to write anything by far.
Will cut the crap & go straight to the core.
Someone has been complaining that my blog is.....ermm, how should I put it.....ahhh yes, EMO.
HAHAHA
Yes, I know that....it's unlike the 'real' me right?
Then again, what is the real me?
Do you know how to describe me?
In what word can you put me in?
Even if you asked me that question, I'll find it hard to tell.
It's not that I won't know who am I tho there are times when I don't either.
That is another part of me that no one will understand.
Dr Jekyl & Mr Hyde
Catwoman
Werewolves
Vampires
The Hulk
What do all that have in common to me?
Ever wonder...?
Well, they all have their own alter egos.
The ones when they change into a total different person.
With a whole new persona, depending on the situations.
Yes....I'm one of those.
It's more like a gateway you can never get to enter completely.
You are either stuck in between or left on one side or the other with extra 'baggage' to carry for the rest of your life.
I can never get to choose who I want to be.
I was ask a question last night.....
"If you were given a day to be whoever you want, who will it be?"
I couldn't answer that....cos honestly, I wouldn't know.
I only told him I want to be someone else, which I'm not.
For the past 25 years of being me.....I find it tiring.
Therefore, I find other alternative.
The dark side of me can only be shown here I guess....in my own space of blog.
I find it hard to vendor my anger, sadness & everything else in between out in the public.
Yes, I do swear occasionally when it's needed.
I try not to stab people right in the face.
I try not to push you down the road & watch a lorry hit you.
I try my best....not to do all of that.
The darker side of me....are kept here.
When I blog or write, I love the company of my own world filled with my imaginations. Me & only.
I could write how I stab you or how it feels like seeing you dead.
Because in real life you & I know that won't be happening....
- to be continued -
p/s: the same girl who laugh & talks a lot & seems happy is also the girl who may cry herself to sleep....
People often tell me I hardly say the word 'sorry' after each mistake I've made.
That person especially is my mum....
Yes....I hardly tell her I'm sorry....
Probably at times I'm stubborn...I know I am.
But most of....
It's for myself...
I always say sorry to myself...
I felt sorry for myself...
That feeling....is something I hate....
But it's hard to get away with....
When things goes wrong...
Or I've ruin the expectation of people...
I feel sick....cos I'm sorry.
I often say it to myself....
With "oppa" by my side...
I looked at him and tell him how sorry I am that day with tears in my eyes....
He only looked at me and smile....
Although he didn't say much....
But I know....he loves me.
I remembered....once he told me, "Gwenchanna..."
I keep that word....
I tell myself.....'gwenchannayo'....after each terrible day I faced.
It helps....
It might not be much....but to me it means the world.
People yelled at me...when I did something wrong,
People push my head....when it's my mistake,
People tell me I'm not good enough....when I'm trying my best,
People tell me I'm stupid....when I didn't know much,
People tell me I'm useless....when they hardly know me,
People tell me I'm just dreaming....when all I ever want is you....
I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself....or for other people...cos I don't see the benefit.
I hate it when someone keep on saying the word sorry when all they ever did was replay.
I'm sick of the word SORRY
It means less now that I've lost the real meaning of it.....
p/s: don't ever say the word sorry so easily when you know you'll do it again. keep it to yourself till you know you are ready to say it only once....and once only.
I feel that way....
That I was made of stone.
Feelingless......was the way to describe me.
I feel no appetite to eat...
So not me right?
I don't feel the need to sleep...
Insomniac....
Must be the stress....
I can't feel pain...slicing through my fingers...
But I can feel the pain in my heart when you stab me right through the chest.
It hurts yes...
No one promise that it won't hurt...
Who am I to kid anyway.
I can hardly breathe....
Metaphorically and of course literally.
Why you asked me?
Let's just say that there are some people who happens to be my good friend....and who are addicted to nicotine.
I'm dying...I can feel it.
I wonder how long can I stand this.....this crap all together!
It's never enough wasn't it...?
For me to go down.....it was never enough.
I knew it!
It's 2.05am and I'm pretty much rambling....
What am I to do when you're not around?
I promise that I'll be good....
I promise to be strong....
But nothing goes away.....it just keeps on pilling like heavy load pf mountains on my back...
One after another....
I want to get away...
Far from this misery....
Before I could catch my last breath...
I just want to tell you how much I've missed you.....
p/s: why is that eventually you'll leave me alone? why?
I'm trying to hold on to this pain...
All of it in one go.
It hurts.....it's painful.
I'm starting to cave in now...
No longer aware of the world outside of me.
I'm naive.
I'm no longer whole.
The whole is too bitter for me to swallow.
The people.....those attitudes.....it's eating me from inside.
Why must you said things you don't mean?
Why must you make promises you can't keep?
Why must you hold on to me when all you ever did was hurting me?
Why...?!
I'm too vulnerable for all your shits and dramas.
I don't need them.
I need you.
Something that I can't have.
What was sorry in the first place when all it ever means to you was just an excuse to get away from all those mistakes you've done.
Yes, people makes mistakes....
But the things you do was just silly to commit.
I'm disappointed.
By you and everything else in between.
I'm angry.....I'm furious....
But don't ever take so lightly the words I said.
I mean them...even when you think I don't.
I don't play around with my words like you do.
Even when you think it as a joke, to me it wasn't even funny to begin with.
When can you ever take me seriously?
I'm not a toy for you to play around with.
Maybe...
Maybe when some day I'm no longer around....
Then....
Then you might take me seriously.
As for now.....you may fool around.
But I'm not here to play your game.
It's too childish for me.
I'm beyond all of that.
p/s: regrets are man-made mistakes. you may cry over it, but that won't change anything. especially when i'm no longer there....
Happy birthday sweetheart!
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