Kitty Insomnia

Yes, it's been a while since I blog anything. The last was somewhere in September.

October & November seems to be missing in action. It's not that I don't have anything to write on. I just don't have the mood and time.
I was pretty much occupied with finals, exams and projects. Then again, it was a lame excuse. Sorry.

I should have paid more attention on my writing rather than sulking for some fucking loser that in the end, means nothing to me.

Ahhh.....to wrap it all up, October and November seems to be a bumpy ride for me.

Why so? Cut it short. Life's short. wtf?

Ok, back to the topic. I shall try & write down what happened on couple of months ago. If I manage to remember every single details.

My memory has been lacking this few months. I'm old. heh~


Oh, darling has a twitter account. I didn't plan on making one till he actually has one. So yea......now I do have an account there. Wanna follow me? cutekittycatz

Well, if you google that nick.....pretty much almost everything is me.



It's nice having him around in my life. Following him. omg. I sound like a stalker now. HAHA
Aren't I? teehee~
Baby, you know how much I wanna be near to you right? Ok fine. I'm a stalker. Shot me.

Nonetheless, he ever care less. He loves me. We love each other. LOL


Ahh......I miss him badly. He's been on hiatus mode lately. Ditto.
At least I know I don't miss anything from him. ^.^



Shall update more. Wanna mix Milo with oats now. Hungry. Yea.....I'm weird. That's the least of your worry, trust me.
Tata!







p/s: being next to you feels like I'm in heaven. just minus the venue. I'm still on earth. heh~



=)

Am I in denial?
I wouldn't know up till today.
Well, not completely that is.

That's what I told him as I stare at the red light traffic ahead of me that shows 99 seconds more to go till the green light.


I dialed your number hoping you'll pick up my call. You did. My heart broke into a million pieces, not in a bad way....more to nervousness & utter lonesome of stupidity. Right, I wasn't thinking straight when I decided to confess. Or maybe I was high on lime juice? God knows......




Those words didn't came out as strong as it intended. But I did. I feel light as the burden of denial lifted up from my worry chest that's been keeping this secret for a long time. 4 years is a long time, right?








Your responses was expected and the rest was history. I don't have to elaborate more as you laugh away with glee when I confess my heart out. Or did I?

I can sense the big satisfaction in your voice as I said those sacred words......which clearly shows my defeat to you. Dammit!

But hell, it's ok to give in once in a while. The feeling is great. (phrased taken from Tiqa)
Thanks cousin for the advice. =.~






 What Am I in Denial of?




Then I realised........I need you as much as you need me.









p/s: you might think that I don't love you when the fact is I did.



=)

생일 축하 내 친구. . . . .




You gave me memories.
That makes me smile and cry at the same time.
Therefore, it's hard for me to let go of your hand.
It's either I walk forward while holding your hand, or I stay back here alone.


I try to say no, but things weren't as easy as I thought.
If I were to turn back time, would I say yes instead?
Would I walk the same path with you?
Or with someone else?


We have different roads to travel, can you cope with mine?
Can you leave everything behind for me and run with the wind?


It's annoying when I'm the only one who misses you.
It's annoying to wish you well when I'm not.
It's annoying to think of you being next to me.
It's annoying to just have your memories stuck in my head.


I'm annoyed by you.
Yes you.
Who else.














p/s: there's a drug out there for me. it's YOU.






=)

What do you usually get for raya?
Besides the 'duit raya' of course.

Trully and deeply, I feel sick.
Not sick as in annoyed sick.
I'm sick as in doctor sick.

There's plenty of 'rendang, ketupat and lemang' to go around.
I don't think my tummy can handle as much.

I'm about to burst. Literally.

My allergy on the other hand doesn't seem to give me any sign of merciness.
Now that I'm back in Equine Park.....I need some comfort.
By heart or words.
I can hardly swallow any meds anymore.

I'm tired, worn out etc etc.
My body clock goes haywire by now.
I'm stuck in 'vampire mode' for a while.
Even after 'puasa' is long over.....I can hardly sleep at night.
When I say night, I mean at 10pm onwards.
I think I suffer from insomnia.
Like always.

I need my clock to be normal again.
I need my beauty sleep!!! Badly.... =.="

Oh, sick sick sicko.
I think I need to sleep now.
Rest well as tomorrow will be another long day.
Sleep Syirah, sleep.

I got loads of assignments to do tomorrow.

OMG SLEEP!!!




Ok, goodnight.







p/s: I'm lost for words. Can you teach me how to spell again?


=)

I believe that magic exist, one way or another.
In so many ways possible.

I'm in love.
I think love is also a form of magic.
How about you?
Do you believe in magic?

Do you believe solely on what you see?
And ignore what you can't?

Can you see love?
Can you see happiness?
Can you see magic?

Some people can make you see that magic is real.
Some people can make you feel that love is real.
Some people can make you taste that happiness is real.

Oh well, I can see, feel and taste all of that magic.
It's given to me from all those who love me and care for me.

I think it's good enough for a start.

Some magic requires you to see with your eyes, others with your heart.

 


 








p/s: you sang me a lullaby, when the fact is.....it was a goodbye song.



=)

Sometimes, I wish.....you were that simple for me to figure out.
Think again.

Sometimes, I hear your voices.
Talking to me.
Telling me things you said before.
Its all like a replay mode, stuck in my head.
Am I crazy?

Sometimes, I smile thinking of you.
Am I insane?

Here I am......3 in the morning.....
Figuring me out.
It's hard.
When you only have this much in heart and a hell lot to cover.

Partly, I'm missing you.
Another half, wanting to forget you.
Like what Darren told me once,

"One day, you'll come back from KL and tell me you're over him."


A part of me is scared that it'll happen, another part can't wait for it to happen.
Since I tried to get over you.......
I guess tried isn't a good word to describe me.
When you want something badly, you will do your best to get it.
Not just try.
It just won't work that way.

I guess I didn't wanna get over you.
Since trying is the least I'll do.

I suck at that.
Trying stuff.
Pretending that I'll manage.
Silly.


It's sad sometimes to see people put high hopes on you by thinking that you'll cope with almost everything that was left in your face, deal with it successfully and walk away empty handed.
I'm not like that.
Doesn't mean I didn't show you how much I'm struggling, it means I'm alright.

I can plaster the biggest smile on my face for you, but can you see the coat of tears in my eyes?

No, you didn't.
You tell everyone that I'm ok, when the fact is I'm not.



I hate growing up.
It's when you have to deal with things you hate.
Is life full of hatred?

Being a child is bliss.
Can I just stay that way?

I wanted to plug away the sympathy I put on myself and move on.

The sunshine is beyond reach for me.
How come?
Where does the rainbow disappear to after each rain storm?



At times, sometimes...
When I see you, I feel brave enough to smile and forget about the world I'm living in.
But what happen when I don't get to see you?
My life crumbles beneath the sole of empathy patheticness.

Would you be there for me to pick me up so that I'll walk again?
Or would you just leave me there to die?



This time, I'm trying to pick up the pieces.
All by myself.









p/s: oh, where oh my cheerio, oh where have you been? life is incomplete without you. blow me a kiss, send me a letter, let me know you're breathing cos I'm dying without you.




=)

I'm sitting here.....
Writing your name on a piece of paper.
Over, over and over again.
Trying to forget you.
Each and every memories you've given me.
It hurts to just think about it.

I keep telling myself I need to get over you.
Nothing seems to change.
Everything around me seems to remind me of you.
The places we go, the things we ate, the things we do......
Most of all.....the things you said.
That's what hurting me the most.

It's like a never ending story.
I keep on running in circle.
With no way out.
Tell me....what should I do?

The habit of liking you is killing me.
Eating me bit by bit from the inside.
Till there's nothing left for me to hide....
On how much you actually mean to me.

I told myself not to fall for you.
I guess I just got backfired for that.

I'm writing on a piece of paper.....
"I'll erase you....."

If only.....it was that simple.






=)

Wakakakakaka!
You can never guess that Aira is afraid of cats.

Yes, my sweet lil housemate is actually phobia of cats.


Sad for her, we have a new visitor that will be staying with us for the next 2 days.

Meet my new roommate, PUFFY.

A'kum everyone.
Teehee~
Its' back again, the long awaited fasting month for all Muslims out there.

I miss those days of waking up in the wee hours just to eat 'sahur' and go back to bed with a full stomach and waking up hours after that to remind yourself, 'berbuka' is not till twilight, 7.20pm


Ramadhan is here and I'll be spending my first day with my new housemates in my new house!
Haha. Happy days.

Nothing to complain about.
Went to Kelana Jaya yesterday to get my laptop fix.
Finally!
It costs me a good RM120.
Thanks to Fadli who helped out.

Didn't really know the main problem but it's ok now.
I just need to be more careful on the heat & long hours I put my lappy to work.
Haha. Bad of me.



Hmm....speaking of staying awake, I've been waking up at 10am yesterday and still awake from 'sahur' still my 9am PR Media class just now.....till practically late evening.
I just drop dead on Saudah's bed when I met her at home in Cyberia.

Wow! I can still manage to stay awake for more than 24 hours which I thought I couldn't after I left school for quite a while. *laugh*
I guess I'm still a vampire at heart. *evil grin*




Ok.....I need my sleep now. Badly.
Vampires need to rest too you know.

*poof into thin air*







=)

Hello students.
I'm back to school.
Yes.....the big black hole I used to hate.
But heck, I need my certs to get my ass off from here for good!



They changed my class.
Now, its on every Mondays & Wednesdays.
It's alright with me cos they changed the dreadful lecturer as well for my journalism class.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! *jumping up & down with joy*


Ok ok. Enough fun.
Now back to work.
I have a complete set of media kit to do by 25 August.
I have 2 news articles to finish up.
All this before I can leave for Raya in Melaka.


Overall, it wasn't that bad for my first week of uni life all over again after I left it behind in the dark for almost half a year.


I get to drive Gee's car on my class days if she's not using it.
It's only 2 days.....so, not bad at all.
I just need to memorize my way from home till uni.
So far so good.
I didn't get lost badly.
Just a few wrong turns.....but I'm back on track.


One thing I learn here is while in KL, you gotta buff yourself up & drive.
Don't be a chicken!
BRAVE is the key word here.
If not.....you can hardly survive the harsh traffic. =.="

Speaking from someone who is afraid of driving after involved in an accident on none other than her birthday itself.
What a gift~ T_T





It's early but I'm gonna head for the books.
I miss reading.

Nites.





p/s: SHOUT-OUT FOR MR. JARYD LOK: Happy Birthday dear! I miss the days you make me smile, stand by me through hardship etc. I miss you sooooooo much la doink! Come back! lol












=)

Yeay~

Here I am, blogging from my new home in Equene Park, Sri Kembangan.
*smiles*

Don't worry peeps.
I'm not staying here forever.
Well, that would depends actually.
Haha.



Just move in yesterday in this little cozy apartment with my girlfriend, Z.
We're not alone.
There's cute little Aira & Gee.
So, that makes 4 of us! *clap*


I'm only staying here for around 4 months ++
My gf just move in, so I thought it'll be fine to bunk in with her till I finally graduate by end of this year. *prays hard*


The neighborhood is fine, we have convenient stores & shops in walking distance & don't forget our pride & joy......... Mr McDonald 24/7 is just 2 blocks away!
Wow! Yes.....and Jusco too!
What more can I ask? LoL

Apart from having to drive or 'tumpang' my housemate's car to class......everything seems to be fine here.
I feel right at home although mum was a little bit worried when she first drop me off.
I know what she's thinking.
Mum, I'll be fine here.
Plus, it doesn't really matter where I stay, as long as I have my bestfriends with me.......everything will be in the right places.
I don't get homesick like I used to back in Cyberia. *laughs*


I guess I've grown now.
I learn to be dependent although I've always been like this since I'm young.
The fact that both my parents are working most of the time, they'll leave me with my grandma who happens to stay next door to us.
Yes, how convenient.


But put that aside.
I'm happy here.
Yes, I'm not lying even though we don't have a proper sofa in the living room, no fridge or cupboard in the kitchen, no hot shower, no washing machine.......but I'm ok with it.
We'll all manage.
As long as we're together. ^.^


Ahhh....the household part, we had fun shopping for stuff.
So, this is how it feels like when moving into an empty house.
Like newly weds! Ghaaaa!!!

You crack your heads to find a way for your wallet to fit into your shopping list, especially those electronic appliences.

So far, we manage just fine. Heee~


It's a blessing to live with 2 future vets who simply adores animals as much as I do & a bio-tech student who's trying to experiment seaweed for her new report as my housemates.


I couldn't be any more happier.

Last night was awesome thanks to Wonder Girls.
They definitely save our day from all those long waiting hours, sweaty, hunger and not to mention those heavy rain that drench us all from our free rain coats courtesy of MTV.
Sunway Lagoon Surf Beach is not the best place you can end up doing concerts. Seriously!


Looking by the weather condition we have here in Malaysia, the sponsors ought to be more careful in selecting the venues.
But thank God, I didn't end up catching cold, fever or flu.
I'm good as it is. ^.^



I took the 3pm bus from Melaka Sentral to KL.
As it ends up, they didn't stop at Puduraya anymore.
It's Bukit Jalil.
The new hub for buses.
Gosh......I was stuck there, completely lost.

Well, not actually lost la....
I know where the hell am I.
I've been to Bukit Jalil.
It's just that I'm lost on how to go to Sunway from there.

Looking aimlessly at the busy roads, I called Eric who happens to stay nearby.
Asking for directions from him but I don't think I can manage the LRT & bus.
It will take me ages to reach Sunway & I'll be late for my concert.

So......I need to take a cab although it'll costs me a bomb.
Standing in the middle of the road........guess who I saw...?
It's Bu Zafirah!!!!! OMG!!!
Of all the places, I bumped into my gf's sister with her dad in the car.
She was dropping off uncle so that he can take the bus home to Melaka.
Hahaha......what a great coincident.
Then again, I believe God set it up for me.
Thanks ALLAH for YOUR mercy.
I can now save my money on food & 'tumpang' Bu's car.
She offered to send me to Sunway.
Yeayness~!!! God bless you Bu.
Heee~~~



Within less than 30 minutes, I was already there at Sunway Piramid.
Ghaaaa......the clouds don't seem friendly for a concert.
I rushed to meet up with Atiqah, Athirah & Iman as my ticket is with them.

Cut the whole process short.....we got into the venue safely, just wet.


We waited for some time till the oh-so-famous VJs from MTV showed up to entertain us while Bunkface is doing their sound check etc.

VJ Utt from South East Asia, VJ Sean from Korea, and the other 2 VJ from Japan & this annoying women from MTV China which I couldn't even bothered remembering their names.
Sorry peeps, you're just not as cute as Utt & Sean. LOL



Bunkface was ok. My brother likes them.
Now I know why.
Their songs 'boleh tahan' laa......
For a person who dislikes Malay songs & being selective of it, I can say Bunkface has a cute lead singer & they can sing for a Malaysian local band.
HIDUP MALAYSIA!!!


Then here comes the best part....WONDER GIRLS!!!
Sorry fans, I don't get any picture for this event as it was raining.
Plus, the crowd went nuts over them....so you can well imagine the situation.
But, you're welcome to search Youtube for their performance as there are some people recording it with their cameras.
Or you can wait for the edited version of this event premiere at Astro MTV channel, 21st August 2010. Time I can't remember, sorry.


By 9.15pm I was groaning with starvation.
Standing the whole day doesn't make my tummy or feet feel any happier.
I decided to leave the concert and not wait any second longer for the twins from Tokio Hotel & cute Katy Perry to perform.
I need FOOD!!!
Plus, the mall is going to close at 10pm.
Since our tickets are all FREE, and we're satisfied after seeing Wonder Girls perform, we head out to the mall for dinner.


Yeay for food!!! We went to 2 different restaurants when they tell us they're closing.
Mr. Teppanyaki & Laksa Shack.
How frustrated is that?!!!
But Nandos comes to our savior~
We sat down happily as our food arrived deliciously looking & calling our names out, waiting to be gobble down by our hungry throats.


Yes yes....it was a good night out overall, although we complain about the heat, the people, the delays, but never the food! hahaha...



I was happy. To meet up with my cousins again, hangout like how we used to, share stuff together and all.
But good things doesn't last forever.
My class is going to start this Thursday.
I feel dreadful.
The lecturers made me like this.
Ahhhh................



Anyway, I'll try & keep you guys posted with more lame updates from uni ok.
Take care.
Nites.







=)

Have you ever like someone out of habit?
You grew fond of him, his ways, his attitude, his temper, his smiles, his jokes, his laughter, almost his everything.

And whenever he’s not around, you go lost.

Even a hi-tech GPS can’t help you find your way home.




When he’s not there for you to talk to, to laugh at your lame jokes, to reprimand you when you do something stupid, to advice you on your problems, to accompany you when you’re lonely, to wipe off your tears when you cried over you dead cat, to send you home late at night and still sms you good night……..

At a point……he feels like the whole world to you.
At the same time, you feel stupid to fall over someone like him for no particular reason at all.


It’s like a habit. Bad habit……












p/s: they say bad habit dies hard. True?






=)

My beloved Kim Bum is still missing.
He’s not been at home for the past couple of weeks.
It’s devastating to know your only son left home without saying a word to you.
It’s damn sad.

I miss him loads!!!
Baby, omma is sorry. Mianhe, jeongmal mianhe.
I know when you’re around, omma always scold you for being naughty & messing up the living room with tissues and all……but I miss you.
Jeongmal bogoshipoyo……please come back home again!!!
I promise to love you more & feed you more fish instead of Whiskas.
Ahhhhh……Kim Bum ah….dega kyowo goh yang-I Kim Bum…..




Each time I go to work, I’ll pass by the pet shop by the escalator. I look at the mirror & I miss my pets. I miss my cat.
Those cute little mice that keeps reminding me of Jae oppa & hamtaro makes me have the urge to just buy you & bring you home with me.


Another week more to go before I resign. I’m going to miss everyone in Cosway. Move on move on. Try not to look back & cry. It’s just weakening.









=)

I would loveeeeeeeeee to block realities out of my freaking life.
It’s boring.
To maintain being childish is bliss.
I can’t help but to measure the perfect life I can achieve being this way.
I guess its also a way for me not to get hurt.
Yes, I’m in denial.
But do you care? No?
Exactly my point!
No one actually gives a damn about you being denial or realistic.
Well, put my mum aside.
She gets annoyed when…..oh, well…..practically me being me.


Countless of zillion times she told me to grow up & be matured.
It’s like asking a baby to climb up Mount Everest.
Gosh mum, gimme a break. Seriously.


Now, she on the other hand can’t help but to be in denial that her one & only daughter is somehow or rather the type of person who has this late-maturity-syndrome.
No matter how hard this little baby tries to climb up the Mount Everest, it’s simply plain hard & late to achieve.
Maybe in another……hmm…let’s say….10 or 20 more years to come??
Or probably NEVER? Hahahahaha!



Let me give you a few examples to make things crystal clear.

1. I only get to understand the basis of chemistry after 4 years I left high school. (I repeat: BASIS of chemistry, not the whole damn thing)
2. Add Maths can never go through this magnificent thick skull of mine. Bravo~ And I plan to keep it that way for as long as I live.
3. Just a few years back I’ve discovered that the true taste of Walls’ Rainbow ice-cream flavor is actually none other than caramel itself. Since the first time I lay my tongue on it, I thought I knew how rainbow after those rainy days tasted like. Yes, shoot me.
4. I used to be fascinated by those mysteries whereby dead people’s hair & nails still grow after they’re long dead. After much reading of some bio related books, FYI even when you’re dead, your nails & hair still feeds on dead cells that’s left in your body therefore screw those scary stories you heard or see. Science happens.
5. I still enjoy reading selective comic books, mangga & cosplay magazines!!!
6. I’m pretty much obsessed with Hello Kitty merchandises. (cat + pink = ME)
7. I can’t help but to smile each time I eat those tooth decaying strawberries on stick at Sunway Pyramid.
8. I’m like a 5 year old kid whenever I get the chance to meet Mr Swing at the playground. It’s pure ecstasy. (who says humans can’t fly?)
9. I get all hype up & excited each time they show my fav cartoons, dramas, shows or movies on tv. You can see that twinkle in my eyes & the way I stare at the screen like there’s no tomorrow.




Those are the few things I can never get to grow up & out from.

Now, does that tell you anything about my syndrome? If that doesn’t, I don’t know what will. Pfft~












p/s: you may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.










=)

Its random time!!!
Well, I’m bored at the moment.
You can either ignore this or jot it down somewhere. lol







Likes:

- dipping french-fries in vanilla ice-cream (only in McD)
- eating cold papaya with lemon
- multitask just about anything
- being stubborn (not to prove that I’m right but just plain stubbornness)
- ice-skating in Sunway
- write with both hands but I’m only left-handed while playing the guitar & eating with knife)
- all shoes & heels stack up in their original boxes, labeled by color (yes, I’m a freak)
- wear mismatch earrings sometimes
- owns a pair of 8-inch black Lolita boots
- David Beckham but I hate football/soccer
- still sleep with her pink teddy










=)

I would like to wish my ommoni & Farra unnie Saengil Chukahamnida~


Omma: 1st July.
Farra unnie: 2cd July.



Mianhe unnie for the last wish as I didn't get to online as often as before.
Hope you're doing fine & I'll pray hard so that one day we can meet. ^.^




Manage to steal a few hours to go Jusco a few days ago & bought omma her birthday present while Dessy accompanying me, although he seems reluctant to.
He said he hates shopping. Especially girls' shopping session.
Well, it's not like I'm buying anything for myself.
It was just bird's nest for mum. pfft~


He was kind enough to drag himself for the night to come all the way & see me.
I know you're tired. I'm sorry.


But after seeing you, talking to you......I feel much much better.
No matter how miserable my life gets, you're like the sunshine I can look forward to in the darkest days.



Thanks. <3











p/s: I cry in my sleep cos in it, you're leaving me. Are you?





=)

You’re the epitome to my misery.
Cure to my hatred.
Poison to my soul.
Disease to my life.


Your animated figure stuck in my mind.
Your contagious laughter rings in my ear.
Your charismatic persona catches my attention.
Your childishness view makes me wonder.


How can I ever fall for you?
How can I ever get rid of you?
How can I ever……..


You are like a math question I can never get to solve.
No matter how much I’ve tried to figure you out, the answers just wasn’t there.

Even when you lied to me, I believed you.
I guess you were never meant for me to get anyway.






“I shall write your name on a piece of silk, blood as my ink, memories as my words & tears as my seal while the wind as my messenger.”

- emotional retard -









=)

It was no longer shocking for me to know what I knew today.
It was more like disgraceful than being sorry for those people involved.

I was hoping to live to the standard I knew we could have achieved.
Sad to say so, we were never there to begin with.


I once give it a thought to leave the one and only sports I love in my life, fencing.
Heart broken.
Looking at the state we’re living in…..it makes me sad at times.
Especially now.
Its plain hard to just leave something you love behind.
Or someone for that matter.
Damn hard.
It’s more like a habit now.
Loving someone or something has becoming a habit for me.
Why?
Because up till now I can’t actually point a finger to ‘why’ I love them.
Do we actually need reasons for those?
Hmm…….


The passion is there.
What else is missing?


Dedication? Or more like dysfunctionality?



Amazingly by count it has already been 11 years since I started.
Don’t think I can ever stop.
It’s like a disease stuck in you.
No matter how tough it gets, or how manipulated people can be….
You’re stuck in it, more like forever.
Yea…..that’s me now. S T U C K


I can think of it as a hobby to kill time.
I can look at it lightly & close an eye.
But would that change anything?
I doubt so.



I wonder how the hell people move on with their life without ever feeling the sign of guilt for what they’ve done.

In my case, I’ll go paranoia of guilt.

It’s something I can’t digest & sleep over it, wake up in the morning to pretend nothing is wrong.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


There are times when I’ll come back home with pain & bruises all over me & complain to my mum about it.
And all she ever said was, “Ok. So, you wanna stop fencing?”


It hits me.


She knew how much this sports means to me.
The fact that I’ll say ‘Yes, I’ll stop,’ would only mean nothing but a lie.




No matter how many times I got hit, slash over, beaten or look down at certain times, I never give up.

I never stash away my blades just because people say I ain’t good enough for their standard.

No matter how rusty my epee gets, I never sent him to the factory for recycle irons & metals.

Even when I’m far away from my hometown, I never forget to come back to my old school on weekends to check on my juniors & train them with whatever little knowledge I have.

No matter how many times I’ll complain to my mum about the pain & blue blacks on my body, by the end of the day……..I know I can NEVER stop fencing.



I told ya……its more like a habit to me now. =D















p/s: I admire the strength you put into what you’re passionate of. It makes me more alive.










=)

I could have just leaved you without saying goodbye.
Is that what you want?
I could have just kept it to myself without letting you know.
Is that what you want?


I guess it’s true……
Sometimes the reason why people run away it wasn’t because they’re afraid…..
It’s more like they actually wanted to see if anyone cares enough to follow…..




I guess no one did.
That was the funny part.







p/s: I’ll keep falling until you catch me.









=)

There are thousands of words in my mind right now.
But nothing can actually describe how I feel.
How can that be possible?

I’ve always been good with words.
I write what I feel.
Today is different I guess.

And it will be different in every way possible after this.
I know it would.



I told myself countless of times before that & eventually make a motto out of it;
“I would rather lose a lover than a good friend.”


Now now now……is that even remotely true?
*laugh out loud*





p/s: the truth is everyone’s going to hurt you, you just have to decide who’s worth the pain.









=)

A river can never run dry.
So does my tears.
It keeps on pouring like rainy days on an empty wasteland.





Oh pouring rain, pouring heart,
Cry me a river,
As thou can never see sunlight,
Nor tomorrow,
A keep sake for thee,
A promise I told myself,
Saying when I could be free,
That would only be resolve,
By the pain you’ve given me,
I bite my tongue every time you’re around,
Because blood in my mouth,
Is better than tears on the ground.






p/s: guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.









=)

How hard can this be……counting the days.
I’m going to miss everyone.
Kim Bum, Pinky, Za8, Joyce…….and especially you.
It’s high time to get over you.


Thanks to you, I had good memories that I can bring with me.
If only I could pack you up with me.
Place you in my pocket. *giggles*
Well, that would be impossible.


Cause I’ve known you well that you’ll pack your blades with you. swt


So far nothing has been confirmed yet.
But I’m hoping for the best.

I realized that my posts are getting shorter by the day.
Am I lost for words already?
Wow!
You make me go speechless boy.

Till when I could possibly sleep again?
No more insomnia, no more late night posts, no more runny nose, no more sad songs accompanying me through the nights……
I might be closing my eyes shut but my mind just wonders around.
I couldn’t help but to think too much.
It’s just me being me.












=)

For these past few years, I thought that I was dead.
But you bring me back to life.
Heck, it was only for a moment.
Because I know…….you’re not meant for me.
But the smile you put on my face was always priceless.
How I’d wish to always smile that way, each & every single day of my life.



Smile smile smile smile smile & never ending smilessssssss



Great! I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.









p/s: of course I’m talking to myself. Who else can I trust?










=)

You're like a dagger stuck in my heart & honey that stays on my tongue.


If I were to pull you out, I'll die.
If I were to spit you out, I'll suffer.



My oh my.......which way to go, what should I do....???



~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~



You shouldn't pulled that joke on me.
It was sick.
Yes, I was sick to my stomach.
pfft~ if only you knew.


Sadly, you didn't.


Skip a beat my heart.
Sadly, you did it.
You. . . . I don't know where to begin.




I tried laughing. . . . nothing but tears came out.



Sometimes I wish our human brains are like computers.
Therefore, I can easily erase you from my mind.
Puff! Just like that. lol


Then again, my recycle bin will always be full.
I doubt I wanna recycle it though. haha!



~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~



Can you tell?
Of course you can't.
If you can I wouldn't be sitting here. *laugh out loud*




Put all of that aside & keep in mind.
I don't live forever.
So, why not just push the button once & move on with life.
Yea, I think I shall do that for a change.
I'm sick of being nice, giving in to people I hardly know & couldn't give a damn about me.
Wtf for right? hahaha!!!



You may hate me for being me.
I'm sorry that's hell for you.
I ain't no angel on earth.
Just a devil in disguise. *wink*






It's obvious that I'm leaving.
Can't you see?
Of course you can't.
I haven't made up my mind yet.
Not fully of course.
Soon.....
Because I know, you'll give me the answer.
As for now.......I'll stay.
Not for long honey.
You know why.....
You're the reason I leave.












p/s: tell me something I don't know. oh, thanks for the joke. its not even April to begin with. hell.




=)

I could swear that I don't even know why you meant so much to me.
I hardly know you for God's sake.
And yet you make me laugh & cry at the same time.
It's stressful. Fucking stressful.


I'm being stabbed.
Left alone to bleed.
It's more like. . . . scary than pitiful.


Which way should I go?
AST or HK?
I still haven't fully decide yet.
hmmm.......MAS is not an option right now.
Cos I'm stuck here, being half insane......by YOU.




I need to leave.
Yes, in that way things will get easier.......or was it that's what I wish to happen....?
No idea.





~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~





For the past few days in SUKMA, I'm too occupied with my job on handling the volunteers at the venue for fencing.
I could hardly be bothered with anything else.
By the time I reach home, it was time for bed.
I try not to bother the annoying cheers of Johor beating up our Melaka team.
Or any other states for that matter.
It's just heart breaking. Ain't I had enough hearts to break already?

More than enough to be precise.






= = = = = =





Went out for dinner at Jusco with Z & Pinky last night.

I pour my heart out at Z in the car while driving, she suggested that she took over the wheel by the look of me swearing & being an emotional retard. pfft~
Babe, I'm fine. Serious.
Ok, maybe not.
But I can still drive laa..... =.="


Bitching session was good, in the car & at Geographers Bar.
Went back around 2am. Slept at 3am.


Btw, babe is leaving me for a month to UK & Denmark.
She has this vet conference thingy.
Awww........I'm gonna miss you babe!!!


Damn! Could I possibly survive without you by my side?
I'll try. Plus, this isn't the first time you left me. swt.
Yes, I shall survive this awful trial of life.
God, let me bear this one full month without her by my side.

*sigh*


I'm not sure that I'll met you up in Denmark.
In case I don't, we'll just hang out in KL, like what we used to do. lol






Tonight is the closing ceremony for SUKMA.
I don't think I can make it.
There we go again.
Missing another awesome firework show.
Somehow or rather, seeing fireworks makes me smile for no particular reason.
It's a disease.




Kim Bum is stuck at the vet for 2 days.
Neuter time. He'll come back as a new man. I mean cat. lol





p/s: need to renew my damn passport. effing annoying process. delay delay delay.










=)

Got back from a full 4 hours training session at Batu Berendam with the usual gang. (6pm-10pm)

Minus Dessy, he refused to fence with the epeeist tonight. Just 1 game with Joyce? I can't remember. Hell.

I'm B E A T!
And I have a competition to attend tomorrow morning at 9am. swt.

Epee Melaka Open
Batu Berendam Sports Complex
9am - 1pm


Cat! How can you possibly be so weak? This isn't you. Not anymore.
Yes, I admit. I'm no longer myself for this few days. Don't ask me why. I doubt you wanna know.


My brain is no longer functioning like how it use to be. Did Red Bull did this to me? Overdose from the sugar? I thought sugar makes me high? +_+


I realized something. Goodness doesn't always come directly/personally for you.
It's something to do with that person being universal or equally nice to everyone. Almost everyone.


I'm going off to bed soon. Yes, it's early. Vampire is tired tonight. Beauty sleep needed after those drenching agony of training.

Nite2 peeps. Love ya.





p/s: if only you would treat me less then it's easier for me to get over you. pfft~ if only you knew.





=)

나쁜 사람 by 백지영




아프게도 새겨뒀네요
나를 재우던 따스한 손길
얼마나 더 고단할까요
다 잊은 척 잊고 산다는 게
기억이 참 밉죠
매일 괜찮다는데도 비 오듯 흘러요
그대만 몰랐죠
이미 둘이 되어 살지 못하는 나
여태껏 그리워 그리워서
못 이긴 척 울고 있는 나를 아실까
미칠 듯 보고파요
쉬어가듯 잠시 다녀간 그 사람
아무것 없네요
겨우 뒤적이던 추억 하나도 태우니
시간만 덧 없죠
왜 난 도무지 잊을 수가 없는지
여태껏 그리워 그리워서
못 이긴 척 울고 있는 나를 아실까
미칠 듯 보고파요
쉬어가듯 잠시 다녀간 그 사람
날 떠난 기억들 모두 제발요
한번만 다시 와요
애원하면 들은 척이나 할까요
알지만 어떡해요
나같은 건 쉬웠던 나쁜 그 사람




~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~





As I blankly look at the computer screen today, an image of you appear in my mind.
I couldn't help but smile at myself crazily.
It's funny when you said it.
As if it was a joke meant for me alone.
I tried to laugh but instead I cried.
I guess the joke was on me. . . . . . . .










=)

It's raining now.
Heavily.
Suddenly, I'm craving for some sweet treats.
Ahhh......

It's one of those nights again.
It's one of those nights where I feel nothing but numb, sore, loneliness & practically nothing.


I'm craving for you......

Frustration kills.
Especially when you're the one who's DEAD.

My lappy's keyboard seems to be in a total nutcase.
My 'enter' button......its just out of control.
swt.
I guess Dessy was right. Something is wrong with it. Gonna need to change it soon before I start banging this keyboard away.



Arghhh!!!

Speaking of which today was another nightmare.
Me & bro went to the briefing that was meant for this year's SUKMA sukarelawan.
It was b o r i n g . . . . . .! ! !

I repeat! BORING!

I was hoping that they finally sort us out on our jobs according to our respective sports.
But oh noooo....they decided that it's better to just wait till 1 day before the events starts to actually tell us what the hell are we supposed to do there.
Effing annoying! I was annoyed yes very much!


If only my epee was there.......I would have knock them down one by one. No joke. =.="



Came back and straight head for the floor.
The cool breeze just makes me sleep.
But the hot weather didn't stop there.
I woke up by the time my bro wanted to head to work.
I'd wish to sleep more. swt

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A brief updates on yesterday's event.
Went out with Pinky for sate celup in Kota Laksamana around 9pm.
But we drop by Jonker for a quick lookout.
Darren called me asking where am I at the moment.
I told him online before I went out on where I was going, he told me he might join us if there's been a change of plans with his friends.
So it has. He called and I told him to join us instead for dinner (in my case) I haven't eaten anything yet.
We meet up at Jonker, just a week after our first meet-up.
Mind you, we've been friends for 5 years via online.
Yes, you heard me, ONLINE.
What's wrong with that?
We seem to click very well via online & live.
He's a good friends of mine, I can rest my case on that.
Oh, he's tall. I never thought he'll be that tall.
Yea, as he said, "I don't put my height details in my Friendster profile."

Yes yes......I know that. My mistake.
I should have ask you about your height before I dated you out. lol


Surprise surprise~ he bought me this when he went for his great escape in Taiwan last week.
Hehe. Thanks Lee!!!  ^.^

http://clotinc.com/edc/


Try to keep myself up-to-date with whatever he's doing at the moment.
Love ya Eddie!!!!!!!!!!!!!


p/s: mum thinks he's a jerk. knowing me, i wouldn't give a damn. *laugh out loud*







=)

It aches each time I look at you.
It aches each time my heart beats.
My heart. . . . . .it aches.

The smile you had wasn't for me.
I wish to strip that away from you.
My heart. . . . . .it aches.

The twisted life I'm having now.
Living only for the sake of you.
My heart. . . . . .it aches.

How long can this time pass.
How fast can this life ends.
My heart. . . . . .it aches.

From which I have to choose.
For there are two in me.
My heart. . . . . .it aches.

The persona of lies within me.
Beyond reach by you.
My heart. . . . . .it aches.

Rampage escaping from each breath.
It's hard to breathe now.
My heart. . . . . .it aches.

What was the meaning of all this.
What was the hidden agenda.
My heart. . . . . .it aches.

Closing my eyes and shutting away.
Away from all, away from you.
My heart. . . . . .it aches.








p/s: oh, don't look at me like you know me. you don't.




=)

Who would have guess. I was enrolled into a make-up class without my consent!
*wow*
Courtesy of my aunt who thinks I'm in no good to draw a few eyeliners, scribble a few colors on my eyes, brush up mascaras, splash some pink cheekbones and watercolor my own lips for that matter.

Ahh......this is one of those nightmares I had when I was a child where my mum used to make me her dummy & enjoying every bits of dolling me up, well like a doll la. What else. =_="


The outcome is I don't like make-up. Let me rephrase that.
I don't like the tedious step-by-step matter to actually make you look nice.
If you know me better or seen me before you would know what I put on my face.
Practically NOTHING!
Yes, only on special occasions like festivals, gatherings, events, hanging out with dear friends (which I hardly do, believe it or not), I will find the time to scribble my face with care just so that I feel fitted in with whatever I'm wearing at that time.
Then again I have anemic which makes me look pale most of the time, so yes, lip gloss is a must. Not lipstick.



Dolling myself up is like a past time for me. Not a MUST.
When I feel like being pretty, I'll do my make-up & hair.
If none, then you'll see me as it is.
I'm not afraid to show off my red dots of pimples to the world rather than suffocating my skin with mountains of foundations + concealers just so that I can hide behind the so-called mask.

I feel fresh without make-up.
Plus, I'm a lazy bum. Yes, I admit it unlike you people out there. lol
The thought of me putting extra effort and time to pull of the layer of make-up off my face at the end of the day makes me cry.
I'd rather spend it on napping. Seriously.

 But heck. Since my aunt already pay for my fees. I can't say no and 'ponteng' my make-up class right?
*sigh*
Ah Mei, my cousin is here to accompany me to the class since she's in it as well.
Thank God for relatives.

She came to my house at 1pm to pick me up for class today.
And here is my make-up kit/bag/briefcase (whatever you call that) courtesy of my aunt as well.
Thanks aunt Phyrah.