Today marked my 1 year of anniversary with GTI Media!!!
(throws confetti)
Time sure flies...fuh!
Didn't really get the chance to celebrate but I'm looking forward to tomorrow for steamboat with my housemates!
Currently, I've been missing you. Badly.
It's a disease I can never find a cure for. pfft!
This is sad...
Ice-cream could only help temporarily.
I was going through mum's old laptop in hope to find my old design work on mum's old cafe, Bay Leaves.
And look what I found....
Lots of crap (of course) and other nonsense....and work too.
I even manage to find my old contacts from my old Nokia handphone.
Awesome!
Was going through every one...and there.
I saw it. Your name.
Couldn't help but to be curious if you're still using the old number.
It's been what....5 years already.
So I dialed the number....
Hoping that you'll be on the other line.
After one dial tone, I hang up.
I couldn't bear it.
To hear your voice, though I'm dying too.
Well, dying is an overstatement.
I just miss you, I admit.
Hoping real hard that you'll call back to say HELLO.
All I got was an SMS asking who is this.
Oh crap....wrong number.
It wasn't you.
I kindly reply the SMS and apologies.
It was kinda sad....knowing that I couldn't get hold of you again.
Even when you're just in Singapore.
It's ok. One day....
I have a strong feeling that we'll meet again, Shawn.
Till then....
So long and goodnight.
p/s: it's a little bit funny, this feeling inside....
Hello blog.
It's been a while.
Sorry for abandoning you for weeks....or months.
Been busy, with pretty much of everything.
From coping up with gradsingapore publication, Health & Sciences, M100.... to coping up my feelings for you.
It's tiring.....damn tiring.
Mentality and physically.
Thus, I'm sick....for almost a week now.
You should hear my sexay voice.
So drag queen like. pfft!
Lilian told me I look like shit at the office.
Yes, thanks babe for the compliment.
Honest much.
I know I look like crap....
Yes Phoebe, I look pale.
The fact that I'm anemic adds up the dramatic effect of me being more than just a vampire kannn?!
I realised something.
It's better to stand on your own two feet than to actually lean on someone.
Because that person will always let you down by the end of the day.
It's expected actually.
Nonetheless, I know in time of need I do can rely on certain people to actually be there for me.
Namely Jaryd.
He's been there for me through thick and thin.
I still remember how he used to call me on late nights and we talked for hours after my dad passed away.
Even when I can't really talked due to asthma, he patiently waited at the end of the line, asking me to hang up and sleep.
Knowing how stubborn I can be, refusing to hang up....we talked and talked till we're both are tired.
But he never gets tired of accompanying me and being there for me.
Speaking of true friendship. =)
Just the other day as I went shopping in MidValley, I accidentally bumped into him and his gf at Coffee Bean as I'm grabbing my favourite Red Velvet Cocoa.
The last time I saw him was at Paradox Cafe after he invited me to his performance.
We managed to catch up on things....and he asked me how's life and the usual when I spit it out on how I'm having trouble sleeping for weeks.
He gave me that look and told me why I didn't call him....
Hah....my dear, I did call you. Just that you were too busy to pick up my calls.
But it's alright.
There are things that's been bothering me and my mind of cause till the extend of insomnia.
We said our goodbyes as he left with his gf.
Went home, changed, lying on my bed looking at the laptop when....Jaryd called.
He asked if I'm about to sleep.
No....can't sleep.
Brain still working actively for some reason even though my legs and body are damn tired.
The reason he called is to check on me, to see if I'm fine.
Haha you only saw me like half an hour ago and now you wanted to come over and check on me...???
Yes, that's Jaryd.
Even when I told him I was fine.....he refused to believe it.
The effect of knowing me far too long. (which can be dangerous too)
So he came over....at half past midnight and we sat at the living room....talked for hours.
He's like my shrink at times. LOL
Always been I guess.
Without noticing the time we talked till 5am!
Unbelievable indeed!
I can see that he's tired.....but insisting on talking to me since I can't sleep.
At that point I realised how lucky I am to have him as a friend.
Come on!
Who would drive all the way from Subang to Seri Kembangan after midnight just to check on you and accompany you through the morning....listening to you rambling about how fucked up your life can be while you wash the dishes, clean up the kitchen and still ramble till 5am...???!!!
Now, that's a true friend. =)
Btw, he's MINE!!! hahahahahaha
p/s: you told me you've always have a soft spot for me, unknowingly why. I told you ILY. =)
Like a piece of paper,
I'm disposable.
Like a can of soda,
I'm disposable.
Like a weed by the pond,
I'm disposable.
Disposable....am I?
I recently pledged as an organ donor via online.
I felt damn good about it...my long lasting dream, one of.
Never felt better....for once in my life, I feel useful.
Despite the fact that mum or anyone else told me how useless I can be at times.
Despite the fact that I can never do anything right.
Despite the fact that I'm just being me....
It's an achievement....to actually being able to help someone else in need just by donating your organs when you're dead.
It's not like I'll be needing it anyway after that.
What a waste.....seeing those healthy (yes, I am healthy ok) organs just rot six feet under.
Someone might see through my cornea,
Someone might breathe through my lungs or heart valve,
Someone might run and sweat through my liver and bones.
But that won't be happening anytime soon....
As mum strongly, and I mean damn strong against me being a useful and unselfish person for once in my life.
Why...?!
For God's sake...I'm trying to be a kind human being here and the least you could do is support me, not patronizing me!
I feel sad for you....for not looking at the same page as where I am now.
You told me you feel sad if one day I'll ever be dead......they will cut me up and auction my organs away.
Dear mum,
What you see now.....it's just a body. When I'm gone, I won't be needing any of it. So will you.
So, from the bottom of my heart or any of my living organs, I want to donate it.
Can you see that??? Can you???!!! I guess not.
You're more concern on how I'll look like when I'm dead than those people out there who's suffering without an actually healthy organ to live by.
That's sad....really sad. What has the world turn into....
More selfish people rule the earth.....more people die while you idiots watch.
Why can't we help them while we can?
I seriously don't understand....sick minds.
*le sigh*
Then again no fret. I'll pledge again when you're gone, mum.
In that way you can't say anything to me being an organ donor.
Ahhhh......
Sincerely,
Your one and only selfish daughter.
=)
Last night, I called just to hear your voice....
I miss those sweet voice,
Serenading to me.....as I fall asleep.
Last night, I cried...
While hearing you sing your songs....
Those heavenly music pierce through my heart.
It hurts....
To know that you can never be my lullaby.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Well, I know the feeling,
Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge,
And there ain't no healing,
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge,
I'm telling you that, it's never that bad,
Take it from someone who's been where you're at,
Laid out on the floor,
And you're not sure you can take this anymore,
So just give it one more try to a lullaby,
And turn this up on the radio,
If you can hear me now,
I'm reaching out,
To let you know that you're not alone,
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell,
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone,
So just close your eyes,
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby,
Your very own lullaby,
Please let me take you,
Out of the darkness and into the light,
'Cause I have faith in you,
That you're gonna make it through another night,
Stop thinking about the easy way out,
There's no need to go and blow the candle out,
Because you're not done,
You're far too young,
And the best is yet to come,
Well, everybody's hit the bottom,
Everybody's been forgotten,
When everybody's tired of being alone,
Yeah, everybody's been abandoned,
And left a little empty handed,
So if you're out there barely hanging on...
p/s: oh baby, if only you could be my lullaby.
What does it feel like to see a huge hole right in front of you and INSISTS on walking straight into it?
Yes....you damn well know that you'll fall.
Of course you can't help but to fall and probably broke a few bones or heart while you're at it...
Because....
You've must be blind.
le sigh
That's what I thought....
More like....that's what I felt last night.
Walking and falling into that hole wasn't fun at all.
Geez!
You told me it's going to be fun....
Hell no...no joy ride here.
Never really like roller coaster anyway.
Sick to my stomach.
You fall, you pick yourself up and walk away....
As if it was that easy kannn...?!
Well, nothing that a huge tub of Macadamia Haagen Daz can't fix.
Actually, mine to blame.
Saw it coming.....but couldn't help it.
Sounds stupid, but that's the fact.
Sometimes you just gotta admit how much of an idiot you can be at any point of your life.
This is it for me....
Ughh!
Hah....but seriously,
What the hell was I thinking....
Sitting there....staring at you while you sleep on my lap.
Thinking that you'll probably be mine...someday.
LOL
Oh com'n....
Told you that daydreaming will kill you one day....
Too stubborn to listen right?!
So, this is what you get then....
Bite that fingers of yours....
Till it bleed....
Cause you know you won't feel that throbbing pain....
Till you learn how to let go.
p/s: silence is deafening.
There I go....done it again.
Without realising it....I've hurt you, for the second time.
You've probably notice by now...the other side of me.
Yes....'she's indeed different.
Total opposite of me.
No matter how much I hate being 'her' at certain times...
I can't just kill her let alone ignore her existence inside of me.
Yes, 'she' can be bitchy, cold and rude.
Basically she's just heartless. Ice cold.
Point blank hatred.....dark & emotionally retarded.
I'm trying to understand her.
But it seems impossible.
There's a reason why I locked her up in this blog.
If she were to let loose....
Life would be difficult.
Life might be easy by her way...
Since ignorance is bliss.
No one actually acknowledge her existence.
Except you...for the first time....
Someone actually sees her!
People might come across her once in awhile....
But that's just about it.
No one actually tries calling out her name,
Ask who is she,what she wants and why is she here.
She was left in the corner....
Trying to erase all those memories....
Of what's left inside of her.
p/s: it's hard for you to actually pick either one of us when it's clear all you ever wanted is only one side of me.
There are thousands of possibilities out there for us....
In any form possible.
To which we might care....or might not notice.
You, on the other hand....has the possibility to be stuck with me. Or not.
Am I being over confident...?
Probably....or maybe.
The picture of us being together.....is still vague.
I wouldn't know.....
Is there even a slightest possibility?
Ahhh....so farfetched!
Let's not go there.
Just move along, go with the flow and see where we might end up.
Sounds adventurous?
Usually, this is not me.
I prefer to play it safe.
Then again it's high time to break all the rules and enjoy.
After all, you only get to live once.
You, my dear......are far beyond reach.
Well, that's what I thought initially.
A person like you.....with a person like me...
More likely to end up crash and burn, rock star style!
LOL
Remembering the times when you sang those songs at the cafe.
I see you....the real you.
Glowing with pleasure and excitement.
It's like you're in your own world.
Filled with music and passion.
I admire that.....I truly do.
I wish time could stop....at that moment itself.
Wouldn't want to let go.
On the other note,
I'll try my best to understand you better....
But please do give me some time.
As you're different from the rest.
Yes....I might be slow at times.
Bear with me, ok?
p/s: I wish I can drown into this madness with you.....right here, right now. If only.....
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