Kitty Insomnia

You’re the epitome to my misery.
Cure to my hatred.
Poison to my soul.
Disease to my life.


Your animated figure stuck in my mind.
Your contagious laughter rings in my ear.
Your charismatic persona catches my attention.
Your childishness view makes me wonder.


How can I ever fall for you?
How can I ever get rid of you?
How can I ever……..


You are like a math question I can never get to solve.
No matter how much I’ve tried to figure you out, the answers just wasn’t there.

Even when you lied to me, I believed you.
I guess you were never meant for me to get anyway.






“I shall write your name on a piece of silk, blood as my ink, memories as my words & tears as my seal while the wind as my messenger.”

- emotional retard -









=)

It was no longer shocking for me to know what I knew today.
It was more like disgraceful than being sorry for those people involved.

I was hoping to live to the standard I knew we could have achieved.
Sad to say so, we were never there to begin with.


I once give it a thought to leave the one and only sports I love in my life, fencing.
Heart broken.
Looking at the state we’re living in…..it makes me sad at times.
Especially now.
Its plain hard to just leave something you love behind.
Or someone for that matter.
Damn hard.
It’s more like a habit now.
Loving someone or something has becoming a habit for me.
Why?
Because up till now I can’t actually point a finger to ‘why’ I love them.
Do we actually need reasons for those?
Hmm…….


The passion is there.
What else is missing?


Dedication? Or more like dysfunctionality?



Amazingly by count it has already been 11 years since I started.
Don’t think I can ever stop.
It’s like a disease stuck in you.
No matter how tough it gets, or how manipulated people can be….
You’re stuck in it, more like forever.
Yea…..that’s me now. S T U C K


I can think of it as a hobby to kill time.
I can look at it lightly & close an eye.
But would that change anything?
I doubt so.



I wonder how the hell people move on with their life without ever feeling the sign of guilt for what they’ve done.

In my case, I’ll go paranoia of guilt.

It’s something I can’t digest & sleep over it, wake up in the morning to pretend nothing is wrong.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


There are times when I’ll come back home with pain & bruises all over me & complain to my mum about it.
And all she ever said was, “Ok. So, you wanna stop fencing?”


It hits me.


She knew how much this sports means to me.
The fact that I’ll say ‘Yes, I’ll stop,’ would only mean nothing but a lie.




No matter how many times I got hit, slash over, beaten or look down at certain times, I never give up.

I never stash away my blades just because people say I ain’t good enough for their standard.

No matter how rusty my epee gets, I never sent him to the factory for recycle irons & metals.

Even when I’m far away from my hometown, I never forget to come back to my old school on weekends to check on my juniors & train them with whatever little knowledge I have.

No matter how many times I’ll complain to my mum about the pain & blue blacks on my body, by the end of the day……..I know I can NEVER stop fencing.



I told ya……its more like a habit to me now. =D















p/s: I admire the strength you put into what you’re passionate of. It makes me more alive.










=)

I could have just leaved you without saying goodbye.
Is that what you want?
I could have just kept it to myself without letting you know.
Is that what you want?


I guess it’s true……
Sometimes the reason why people run away it wasn’t because they’re afraid…..
It’s more like they actually wanted to see if anyone cares enough to follow…..




I guess no one did.
That was the funny part.







p/s: I’ll keep falling until you catch me.









=)

There are thousands of words in my mind right now.
But nothing can actually describe how I feel.
How can that be possible?

I’ve always been good with words.
I write what I feel.
Today is different I guess.

And it will be different in every way possible after this.
I know it would.



I told myself countless of times before that & eventually make a motto out of it;
“I would rather lose a lover than a good friend.”


Now now now……is that even remotely true?
*laugh out loud*





p/s: the truth is everyone’s going to hurt you, you just have to decide who’s worth the pain.









=)

A river can never run dry.
So does my tears.
It keeps on pouring like rainy days on an empty wasteland.





Oh pouring rain, pouring heart,
Cry me a river,
As thou can never see sunlight,
Nor tomorrow,
A keep sake for thee,
A promise I told myself,
Saying when I could be free,
That would only be resolve,
By the pain you’ve given me,
I bite my tongue every time you’re around,
Because blood in my mouth,
Is better than tears on the ground.






p/s: guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.









=)

How hard can this be……counting the days.
I’m going to miss everyone.
Kim Bum, Pinky, Za8, Joyce…….and especially you.
It’s high time to get over you.


Thanks to you, I had good memories that I can bring with me.
If only I could pack you up with me.
Place you in my pocket. *giggles*
Well, that would be impossible.


Cause I’ve known you well that you’ll pack your blades with you. swt


So far nothing has been confirmed yet.
But I’m hoping for the best.

I realized that my posts are getting shorter by the day.
Am I lost for words already?
Wow!
You make me go speechless boy.

Till when I could possibly sleep again?
No more insomnia, no more late night posts, no more runny nose, no more sad songs accompanying me through the nights……
I might be closing my eyes shut but my mind just wonders around.
I couldn’t help but to think too much.
It’s just me being me.












=)

For these past few years, I thought that I was dead.
But you bring me back to life.
Heck, it was only for a moment.
Because I know…….you’re not meant for me.
But the smile you put on my face was always priceless.
How I’d wish to always smile that way, each & every single day of my life.



Smile smile smile smile smile & never ending smilessssssss



Great! I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.









p/s: of course I’m talking to myself. Who else can I trust?










=)

You're like a dagger stuck in my heart & honey that stays on my tongue.


If I were to pull you out, I'll die.
If I were to spit you out, I'll suffer.



My oh my.......which way to go, what should I do....???



~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~



You shouldn't pulled that joke on me.
It was sick.
Yes, I was sick to my stomach.
pfft~ if only you knew.


Sadly, you didn't.


Skip a beat my heart.
Sadly, you did it.
You. . . . I don't know where to begin.




I tried laughing. . . . nothing but tears came out.



Sometimes I wish our human brains are like computers.
Therefore, I can easily erase you from my mind.
Puff! Just like that. lol


Then again, my recycle bin will always be full.
I doubt I wanna recycle it though. haha!



~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~



Can you tell?
Of course you can't.
If you can I wouldn't be sitting here. *laugh out loud*




Put all of that aside & keep in mind.
I don't live forever.
So, why not just push the button once & move on with life.
Yea, I think I shall do that for a change.
I'm sick of being nice, giving in to people I hardly know & couldn't give a damn about me.
Wtf for right? hahaha!!!



You may hate me for being me.
I'm sorry that's hell for you.
I ain't no angel on earth.
Just a devil in disguise. *wink*






It's obvious that I'm leaving.
Can't you see?
Of course you can't.
I haven't made up my mind yet.
Not fully of course.
Soon.....
Because I know, you'll give me the answer.
As for now.......I'll stay.
Not for long honey.
You know why.....
You're the reason I leave.












p/s: tell me something I don't know. oh, thanks for the joke. its not even April to begin with. hell.




=)

I could swear that I don't even know why you meant so much to me.
I hardly know you for God's sake.
And yet you make me laugh & cry at the same time.
It's stressful. Fucking stressful.


I'm being stabbed.
Left alone to bleed.
It's more like. . . . scary than pitiful.


Which way should I go?
AST or HK?
I still haven't fully decide yet.
hmmm.......MAS is not an option right now.
Cos I'm stuck here, being half insane......by YOU.




I need to leave.
Yes, in that way things will get easier.......or was it that's what I wish to happen....?
No idea.





~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~





For the past few days in SUKMA, I'm too occupied with my job on handling the volunteers at the venue for fencing.
I could hardly be bothered with anything else.
By the time I reach home, it was time for bed.
I try not to bother the annoying cheers of Johor beating up our Melaka team.
Or any other states for that matter.
It's just heart breaking. Ain't I had enough hearts to break already?

More than enough to be precise.






= = = = = =





Went out for dinner at Jusco with Z & Pinky last night.

I pour my heart out at Z in the car while driving, she suggested that she took over the wheel by the look of me swearing & being an emotional retard. pfft~
Babe, I'm fine. Serious.
Ok, maybe not.
But I can still drive laa..... =.="


Bitching session was good, in the car & at Geographers Bar.
Went back around 2am. Slept at 3am.


Btw, babe is leaving me for a month to UK & Denmark.
She has this vet conference thingy.
Awww........I'm gonna miss you babe!!!


Damn! Could I possibly survive without you by my side?
I'll try. Plus, this isn't the first time you left me. swt.
Yes, I shall survive this awful trial of life.
God, let me bear this one full month without her by my side.

*sigh*


I'm not sure that I'll met you up in Denmark.
In case I don't, we'll just hang out in KL, like what we used to do. lol






Tonight is the closing ceremony for SUKMA.
I don't think I can make it.
There we go again.
Missing another awesome firework show.
Somehow or rather, seeing fireworks makes me smile for no particular reason.
It's a disease.




Kim Bum is stuck at the vet for 2 days.
Neuter time. He'll come back as a new man. I mean cat. lol





p/s: need to renew my damn passport. effing annoying process. delay delay delay.










=)

Got back from a full 4 hours training session at Batu Berendam with the usual gang. (6pm-10pm)

Minus Dessy, he refused to fence with the epeeist tonight. Just 1 game with Joyce? I can't remember. Hell.

I'm B E A T!
And I have a competition to attend tomorrow morning at 9am. swt.

Epee Melaka Open
Batu Berendam Sports Complex
9am - 1pm


Cat! How can you possibly be so weak? This isn't you. Not anymore.
Yes, I admit. I'm no longer myself for this few days. Don't ask me why. I doubt you wanna know.


My brain is no longer functioning like how it use to be. Did Red Bull did this to me? Overdose from the sugar? I thought sugar makes me high? +_+


I realized something. Goodness doesn't always come directly/personally for you.
It's something to do with that person being universal or equally nice to everyone. Almost everyone.


I'm going off to bed soon. Yes, it's early. Vampire is tired tonight. Beauty sleep needed after those drenching agony of training.

Nite2 peeps. Love ya.





p/s: if only you would treat me less then it's easier for me to get over you. pfft~ if only you knew.





=)