Kitty Insomnia

I've build up walls....
As thick as it can be.
Each time I'm hurt....I tend to build a wall around me.
Each time by each layer is thicker than the other.
I didn't want to get hurt, to be hurt or hurt anyone....
But this thing call 'love' is just not giving me the pleasure of peace, but sanity.

I want you to tear the wall down so that I can love again.
Love you.
I want you to build up a wall.....surrounding us.....so that you would never leave me.
I want you....
I want you to notice me....
Even behind those high walls.....
I want you to love me.....
Despite all those thick bricks.....

p/s: i've build a wall, i've build a plane. i want to fly & never come back. so, please catch me.

I'm lost for words,
I'm lost for meanings,
What in the name of world is LOVE?


I can hardly remember how does it feels like to be in one....
It's almost as far as memories can go....without tracing back the details, of course.



You make me laugh, cry & pissed.
But that's just it.
The 'love' is absent...like a hollow tree.
Just waiting for the rain to cry on me.
Yes, I like you....I gotta admit.
But how far can this 'liking' feeling go...?
When all I can see is nothing ahead of me....
Its not purely darkness....
Maybe there's some light....
But no sun....or rainbow.


Is this what we call synthetic love?
Not really fake just not pure enough to sustain thee life.




p/s: if i were to ask you to promise me one thing....that is not to fall in love with me, would you?

Maybe I do like you....and maybe I don't.
I can't seem to make up my mind on you.

These few days...you keep coming to my head, even when I was in Thailand.
I didn't know how....or what triggers....or when to be exact that I starts to have those weird feelings for you.
As if it was yesterday that I've known you....
Your existence makes my life seems kinda lost.....damn it!
Yes, damn those feelings.

I told you once.....without you, I need a map to see where I'm going.
But not the world.
I've come to realized that you're not the map I needed in life.
You are just part of me.
Letting go was part of it and I've manage.
I'd learn to let go, pick up new things and watch myself grow.
Have you....? I hope you'd do the same.....


Maybe...some day....we might meet.
I have strong feelings bout it.
I don't doubt it......
That I still hate you for all you've done.
I'm sure you feel the same way too.
Hahaha...


If we do meet some day, please do not turn tail.
I might say Hello....or give you a tight slap if I have to.
LOL







p/s:  if I was yours to keep.

When you say family, what does it actually means?
By blood, relation or mere fantasy?
Well, tonight......I've lost the real meaning of family. I guess....

What are family when you don't even get treated like one?
Or what does family means to you anyway?

Tonight, I miss my dad. A lot.
I cry......my nose is bleeding.....my t-shirt is wet.
I'm alone with no one to care for a shoulder on me.


I've always feel alone actually.
Not that I mind......but there are times when I envy those who have that special someone to talk to, rely on and pretty much about almost everything.
I have a girlfriend but she's all the way in India now doing her veterinary practical. I miss her too.
I have a bestfriend but she's all the way in Melaka dealing with architecture stuff.
I have a cat but she's all the way in Melaka as well.....sleeping.
Oh how I miss all of them very dearly.
There are time when I just wanna fly to meet where ever they are.


Ok, I'm no Super Girl and phones don't do much.
I can SMS them but we'll miss the whole point.
I can call but where's the fun in things.


I kinda feel left out here.
Help me. Someone....???
They say a smile can hide a thousand sorrow.
I'm doing exactly.
Or maybe a little bit more.....
I laugh....I cry.....
I put a mask on my face.
I learn to live, I learn to move on.
I notice life is not that great after all when you have all those suckers around you to deal with.
I feel like running away....far far away.....but where?
Fantasy land is not eligible yet....cos it's just fantasy.

I might book a ticket there but I doubt they accept me......not just yet perhaps.
I have plenty of unfinished business to do.
Like....having to play the piano for example.
Or ice-skate like Kim Yuna.
The rest.....I'll just let it drift apart.
Holding on to dreams makes me weak sometimes.
I'm a helpless dreamer.



I spend most of my time daydreaming.
Because the reality I'm living in now is just too hard to swallow.
I constantly feel hollow.....
Like an empty shell.....


I hope to wake up tomorrow with a genuine smile on my face.
Pretending is not fun anymore.
It hurts actually.....
Till I find the cure to my sadness, I shall keep on pretending.
I'm not a fake, no.
I'm just wearing a mask.







p/s: you might think that i'm silly but i think you're cute. =)

This is a short movie script written by me somewhere last year.
I just wanna post it up here as a token of memory towards myself, nothing else.

As I sat alone, in the dark cold corner of my room.....listening to Satie Gymnopedie #2, my heart sank to the floor following the mood of the song. Hence, my hand starts typing on this old laptop keyboard, punching letters that are actually emotions, searching for some truth, hidden between those melodies I call love.

This piece of art belongs to me. It's copyrighted. If you feel the urge to plagiarize, go ahead. My lawyers will pay you a visit. Enjoy~ ^^

Written by,
cutekittycatz
=)

I gotta admit. I suck at writing in Malay.
The last time I ever wrote anything long, flowery and meaningful is 7 years back in high school for SPM.
Now.....I can proudly say that my Malay writing skills are deteriorating.

You can't really put the blame on me.
Come on.....I was practically raised in an English education system although my mum is Chinese and dad is Arab.
I was educated in a Methodist Girl School.
I was raised with English speaking parents at home & half of the time in the guest house where foreigners talk to me in....English. What else.
The only time I speak Malay was with my grandma next door who babysits me when my parent's aren't around, busy working.
I wasn't allowed to run around wild in the neighborhood for certain reasons.
I just stay at home with my bro when I'm the age of 4.
I only speak Malay when my cousins from KL came for holidays and raya.
Then again, it was broken Malay with Malaccan slang. (you know the drill)
I tried speaking English with my Chinese cousins but they all seem lost, so I learn Mandarin.....just for a couple of years....then I'm back in track.....English.
The old generation where I live, speaks pretty much harsh Malays. (duh, Malaccans)
Therefore, I wasn't allowed to copy paste or copycat what they're saying cos mum bans it.

When I was in pre-school or kindergarten, I was taught according to Oxford and Cambridge English.
When I went to primary, I was the only so-called Malay girl who can speak proper English in class.
Thus, I don't really have much friends that are Malay since they find me snobbish....for speaking in English. pfft~ Seriously girls......you must be bored.
I spend more time with Chinese than Malay....even till I'm in high school.
Not to say I'm racist.
I have a few good friends up till today that are Malays who wouldn't mind my language at all.
From them, I learn how to speak in Malay, although not that proper but it was a good start with 'aku & kau'.

Mum find it rude when I talked to them using informal Malay but to them it's normal & I get the hang of it soon enough.
I feel comfortable with them....since they don't judge me. They accept me.
My other friends are either mix or 'rojak' as me or they are Chinese 'banana' who don't speak any Chinese at all, just English.

As I grew older & went to university, Limkokwing to be exact....I was stuck in the English speaking realm again.
Look around....there are foreigners everywhere & the only time I see more than 10 Malay people in class was during Agama for LAN.
There I go....walking through adolescences in English.

No, I'm not from UK please don't mistaken me.
Neither that I'm Malay, I'm just a Muslim, there's a big different.
Yes, I grew up in this little town call Melaka.
And yes I speak English.
Is that a problem???


Then again, people can be weird.
Sometimes they think you're a freak just because you don't speak the same language as them or they think you're showing off just because you know a certain language that they don't.

Nonetheless, I'm trying my best to fit in this society where Malay rules Malaysia tho it sucks at a certain point.

Even my my SPM results shows that my English is better than my BM, I didn't cry.
Instead I feel blessed that God give me the opportunity to be good in something.
Alhamdullillah. =D


Oh, I'm tryign to learn Korean now. It's not a bad thing. Mum doesn't seem happy when I pick Korean out of Mandarin. Oh goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......dread~






p/s: my imagination speaks louder than my words.



=)

Tonight, as I happily browsing through the internet, Jac unnie send me a link.
Bad news.
The type of news that I pray hard not to come.
The percentage of you not making it here is 90%
It breaks my heart, shattered into a million pieces as I read the apology statement.

I couldn't hold on to the tears that was about to flow down my cheek.
I gasp & clutch my mouth as I read.

I said to myself as I cry.
The sadness was overwhelming.
The fact that I won't be able to see you just kills me.
For 4 years.....I've been waiting for this moment.....which in the end never came.
Jac unnie told me that it's alright, wait for next year.....
Next year?!
I can't do that!
I'm already half insane now....what makes you think that I'll survive another year without you?!

It seems impossible.
Just thinking of it makes my heart sank to the floor.
The pressure is too much for me to handle right now.


To add the misery, fever's here, so does pounding headache.


I couldn't bare losing you.
Not again.
Even when Nani sunbae told me that we managed to meet up last year but....that was different.
This time...
I want you....badly.
I wanted you to stay longer.
Not like last year.....for only a mere of 2 hours & the next thing I know you're already in a plane flying back home.
It's unfair.....
T_T







You've always been the star that shines brightly for me in the middle of a dark sky where hopes can hardly be found,
That's when I found you.
You made me you star, a Cassiopeia.
I remember the first time I lay my eyes on you....
I know....that you are special.
To me & to everyone else.
The stories you shared, the courage you have, the charisma you own & the rest of the world are at daze each time you smile.

I wish to hold on to that.
Even when I'm old.
Even when she tore off the picture of you right in front of me,
I didn't cry.....
Because I know.....
The love I have for you are not in your pictures....
It's engrave in my heart.
Till the day that I die.




I pray hard to God to let me see you.
I pray for miracles to happen.
I pray for an unchanging love.





Misako said that there's always other ways.
Example, fly off to Bangkok.
At least it'll take me RM 1000 to go there including expenses.
I can't afford that.
Even if I manage to get a loan from sharks, mum will definitely lock me up in the house than having me flying there to see you.


>.<




"Always keep the faith" has always been your fav phrase.
I'll hold on to that.
I wouldn't know for how long......but I'll hold on to it.
For your sake.
And hopefully, by end of the day.....this faith of mine will pay off.





Before you go.....


If you feel it’s a burden that all my senses are focused only on you, I will leave now.
If I made you suffer ’cause I couldn’t control my feelings, I will go now.

I was afraid that like a “hook”, you might fly away from my side.
I couldn’t say “phew…” and rest even for a day.

I didn’t know then that I was hurting you with my foolish obsession.
Just know this before you go, that I am a girl who only wanted to love you.

So stupid was I, an idiot, a scumbag who couldn’t even protect you.
If you stay beside me ’till the end, you’ll be more heartbroken, you might fall.

It’s a good thing that someone who will set you free will come to your side, will come to your side.
I’m not gonna make any more of trivial excuses, don’t look so sad.

With my mouth shut, I only wanted to wish your happiness, I am not that girl for you, no....
With a puff of air in the cold wind, I warmed up your cold hands.

Deep within my arms, after a year, we had our first kiss.
I gave myself to you, I always do.

Thank you for giving me happy memories, you go on and don’t remember, forget everything.
Don’t look at me with worried eyes, I’m fine.

Someday all my heart’s wounds will be cured.
Someday I will meet a nice person.

Forget!

Yeah, forget everything and hurry up and go!
Before I change my mind and hold on to you.

Out of habit, I might call you without knowing.
Hello hello hello hello....

Missing you crazy, even if I’m at your door, be cold, just ignore me.
Just know this before you go, that I am a girl who only wanted to love you......
























p/s: i'll close my eyes tight, in hope for us to meet in our dream. please come for me before i drift far far away.






=)

Here I am, for my monthly therapy.
Ok, maybe not monthly....or daily for that matter.
But it's still therapy for me....yes, writing.
It's one of my shrink besides my loyal cats, besties, girlfriends & boyfriends.



Does the title says it all?
OK, maybe it doesn't directly say anything....but it says something...right?
I'm gonna go straight to the point.


I HATE YOU BITCH.


Ok, that says it all. Perhaps.

Why do you have to make my life miserable?
You enjoyed it or what?
That lousy bf of yours....yea...that son of a bitch.
What is he compared to me?
By blood or anything else....
Can you even compare?
Well, if you do....then I guess you must be blind, deaf or retard.
Ok, make it all in one.....that's you.


Don't underestimate love, they make you go retard.
No joke....
Look at how that bitch turn out to be.
Too retard for me to handle.

Just thinking of you makes my blood boils.
I hope you get what you deserve.
I'm not surprise if de javu happens.
It's expected.
It comes to a point where I hate you more than I pity you.
Sadly.....




They say blood is thicker than water.
In your case, you're nothing but mud to me.
Obviously, we're not related.



Ahh.....so, this is how we're gonna end up.
I'd say bring it on bitch.
Let's see what you've got.



Wedding is next week.
Can't wait.
Let's watch some drama.
We'll see who's good at acting, you or me.
Too bad, the HYPOCRITE award goes to you.
Bravo~!



I couldn't agree less when they say the quietest girl is the most dangerous.
Btw, you are nothing without us.
In case you forgot where you stand in the first place.






p/s: yea, I feel much much better now. therapy's good. should do this more often since I don't swear much in real life. haha!



=)

After so long of being a Malaccan fencer, finally, my coach decided to make me a coach.
I wasn't alone tho.

It wasn't what I sign in for but for the sake of loving the sports I played almost all my life, I couldn't say no & decided to give it a try.

It wasn't easy when you have 2 heads as coach & trying to figure out the team, together.
At a point it seems impossible.


I was left alone at Youth Hotel for a 4 days coaching seminar name Bengkel Periodisasi.
Technically, I wasn't alone.
There are hundreds of other coaches from other sports all around Melaka attended the seminar.
It was a good experience to me although I got to admit, I was pretty sceptical at first on how this whole camp going to turn out.
In the end of the week, I learned something new that money can't buy. heh~

Cut the story short at the camp, Ruihan who was supposed to join me, only attended the class for a mere of 2 hours. Sounds disappointing? No at all. Knowing him well enough, he wasn't happy to be at the camp.

There I was all alone representing Fencing, the one and only sports that people find odd but to me it's like breathing fresh air.
Mind you, I was the only young coach there. I seem lost.
Around me was all the ahjusshis & ahjummas. ^^
Nearly the end of the camp, Mr Fish showed up.
After much persuading & pushing him off the cliff.......he surrenders & drag his lazy ass to camp.
Even at the night before, he was giving me a bucket of excuses which I feel that he needs a knock at the head.
It was fair that I ask him to help me out with the timetable since he's the coach as well.

Supposedly, each sports has to do this periodization table and present it to the Majlis Sukan Negara by the end of the camp.
Fish did all the talking while presenting since I'm having sore throat & was coughing like mad dogs on the street.
It went well.
Even when Fish here has a hangover from last night's company dinner party.
Well, he sms me at 5.45am asking me to online.
Geezzzzzzz............I was staying up all night doing the table and here you are.....early dawn.
Fish you! =.=

We discuss briefly & decided to meet up at the hotel for further discussion.
Oh, I packed a few starfruit for him in a sandwich bag.
I read it somewhere that it cures hangover. There you go Fish!
Starfruit for breakfast!


Well, that all happened weeks ago.





Last night....we argued.
It wasn't something new.
We always argue.
He's just being stubborn.
So am I.
He was being difficult.
I'm trying to be easy.
Give & take right....
Since we're in a team, why not try & fix this whole problem together.


I guess liking you has its flaws.
Nothing is perfect, true.
But I'm trying my best here can't you see?
All you ever think of is you.
How can you be so selfish?
It's as if at times......I was there just for your convinient.
I'm not your secretary, I'm your partner.
Decisions are to be made together, not you alone.

Am I that invisible to you?
Can't you see me?

Do this and that.....
I've no complains......
I wasn't alone....
You treat others around you pretty much the same.
Do you take us for granted?


Last night....
You said something you shouldn't have.
There are things you said when you're mad.....
As if I have none of that.
Feelings, anger and sadness.
I'm human too in case you forgot.
Not a cat. Not your cat.

You don't know me well enough.
You don't even want to know.
Try and be in my shoe for a day.
I want to see how you survive.

Thanks for being sarcastic.
I know I'm not as good as you.
But I'm trying to give all I can here.
Appreciate it would ya!
For once.....
After all this time of me knowing you.....

Those words were hurtful, I can't stop crying.
I guess crying is the sign of weakness......

It was easy to say not to bother what you told me.
If.....it was that easy.....

You said you were sorry.
After I ignored your last message on MSN.
I wasn't in the mood to argue.
I wasn't in the mood to swear.


"Then what's the fucking reason you made this decision?"


It hits me when you said that......

I'm sorry I couldn't be like what you are today.
I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to.

I'm just sorry......





I wonder how long more can we stick together.....
1 week? 1 month? Another 1 year?
God knows.....





p/s: your words are sharper than your blades.



=)

I am lazy. Mum was right.
I can't do anything right without having people telling me what to do.
It's frustrating at times.
To be lazy. Not that I nurture it or something. It's a disease that I can never find a cure for. pfft~

I need help before I'm drown into this pool of laziness.



Emo....short for emotional.
I am today.
I just wanna shut my eyes close and cry.
Not for the sake of crying, but for the sake of you.

I lazily walk upstairs and sat in front of my lappy.
Saw a headline at twitter.
I cried while reading it.
It hits me on why you change your twitter status.
Damn I'm slow.


I should pay more attention to you instead of being lazy. Yea....lazy damn you!
I'm sorry love. My mistake.
I didn't mean to ignore your cry for help.
I should have known how much it hurts you.
I should have notice how much this means to you.

No matter what happen, I'll assure you that I'm always here for you.
Through thick and thin.
I will never leave you.
Not till you leave me.
I'll never let go of your hand.
Not till you let go of mine.


Saranghae~!!! ^^



It feels like I'm falling into a depression.
I can hardly eat well or do anything for that matter.
Everything else in between just feels like a boring slumber. Numb.



What in the hell is the meaning of this?!

What is happiness?
I think I've lost the meaning of it. Seriously.
I can't really remember when was the last time I felt really happy for a period of time.

Usually now, I can still smile, laugh and having heart attack due to excessive cuteness overload from my darling but other than that......it's close to none.

I realized I wasn't how I used to be. The bliss isn't there anymore. Like those days when I'll laugh at the slightest silliness or watching dumb cartoons like Sin Chan.

Now, all I have is a blank stare. Nothing really sparkles.

Put my darling aside. The fact that he can't always be here next to me 24/7 therefore, you don't expect me to laugh all the time.


Good example: when I'm graduating......I notice I wasn't happy as how I should be. It aches to see people around me feel damn excited & happy when I don't. As if I was a robot to begin with.


I keep on thinking why oh why. Maybe God has taken away my feeling of happiness.


I feel like an empty shell. I'm no longer whole. When HE took away the people I love, I lost a few parts of myself. Healing is a proses I can never get over with.



I try to laugh as honest as possible when I'm having fun with my friends for outings but it seems so hard to do. I don't mean to be rude. I am having a great time with you guys but......it's just that I can't feel whole. Dammit, this is hard to explain. This feeling of being lost. It's damn confusing. urgh!!!



What do you see when you look into an empty shell? Do you still see me? I want to see true happiness in myself badly that I can just cry a river.
No matter how hard I try to laugh, deep inside I feel insanely empty. There are times when I just think, "What the hell am I doing here? What the hell am I doing?"

Ignorance is bliss. True? No?


When I was a child, everything seems to be simple and joyful. Very much so.
I miss those days when worries was the last thing on my mind. Growing up seems to be so far away.
Even now when I try to block realities that I'm 24 this year.......things get pretty messed up.



There are days when I just woke up, look outside my window and the weather is fine.......I have the urge to just walk. Walk and keep on walking while wondering through my empty mind. I'll walk on till I finally feel tired and realized I was far far away from home. I'll walk till my legs are sore and senses came knocking in my head. I'll walk and walk till I've reached my limit. I'll walk aimlessly looking at how other people live their life and wonder if I can do the same. I'll walk for meters away trying to figure out my life. I'll keep on walking till I found you at the end of the road. I'll imagine you'll take my hand and walk with me so that I won't be alone.







p/s: i cry and laugh for you. what else is there left to do?

Happy New Year to all!!!
It's 2011.
Let's welcome it with an open arms and hopefully this year will be better than the last.


Throw out your colorful confetti and start celebrating as years pass, new ones appear. Same goes to our life and everything else in between.


I would like to thank God for being blessed all this while with good health, family and friends.
Despite petty troubles and problems faced, I manage to be strong and go through it all.
2010, what a year it was for me.
Now I'm still standing, looking forward to what the world has to give me.



I've already made a virtual list of new year's resolution. Hopefully, I'll be a good girl and follow each and every one of them. HWAITING!!! ^^




2011

1. New year, you come and go but this year, I'm gonna make the best of you.
2. I'll start a healthy lifestyle. No more late night meals, junks, regular vampire mode and laziness. It's high-time I hit the treadmill more often and spend time with my beloved Hero. ^^
3. I'll be able to read, write and speak proper Korean. No more informal, broken vocab. tsk....
4. Repair and upgrade my English grammar + vocabulary. Those sms & chats are killing it. wth.
5. Will fulfill my long lost dream, to play 'guzheng'. I shall do so now. hee~
6. Will love and appreciate those people around me better. <3
7. Will pay all of my dept and save more money to fly & meet my love. =)
8. Finish up my fanfic, novels and scripts. Need to get it publish as well.
9. Start living a life as how I want it to be. Full of bliss......teehee~






p/s: silence is deafening. but not when you are around. i can just close my eyes and drown in your sea of love made for me. only me.



=)